That stuff is good 'nuff to pass on!

Thanks,

JT



Jim Yanik wrote:
>
> some humor;
> What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
> -- A tick falls off of you when you die.
>
> - Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their
> clients?
> -- To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same
> service.
>
> - What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
> -- Stick his bill up his ***.
>
> - What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in
> sand?
> -- Not enough sand.
>
> - What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead
> lawyer in the road?
> -- There are skid marks in front of the dog.
>
> - What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
> -- A Doberman.
>
> - Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
> -- If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched,
> they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything
> forever.
>
> - What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
> -- One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
>
> - Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
> -- They had pictures of lawyers on them...and people couldn't figure
> out which side to spit on.
>
> ---
>
> Lawyer's creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.
>
>
> Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are
> walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a
> hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
>
> The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.
>
> ---
>
> It was so cold last winter...(How cold was it?)...that I saw a lawyer
> with his hands in his own pockets.
>
> ---
>
> You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You
> have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
>
> Shoot the lawyer. Twice.
>
>

 

Thus spake Jim Yanik <jyanik@abuse.gov> :

>Grumpy AuContraire <Grumpy@ExtraGrumpyville.com> wrote in
>news:Vby5m.431752$4m1.133309@bgtnsc05-news.ops.worldnet.att.net:
>
>>
>>
>> Jim Yanik wrote:
>>> Grumpy AuContraire <Grumpy@ExtraGrumpyville.com> wrote in
>>> news:Lld5m.105564$d36.69201@bgtnsc04-news.ops.worldnet.att.net:
>>>
>>>
>>>>
>>>>Elle wrote:
>>>>
>>>>>93 Civic DX sedan. It was a collision hard enough that the drawer
>>>>>beneath the radio opened and sent the coin change I keep there flying.
>>>>>As I got out, I thought I would find the Civic's rear would be partly
>>>>>flattened. I was amazed that externally, the bumper only showed
>>>>>scratches. The exhaust system is intact. Is the integrity of the foam
>>>>>etc. in the bumper compromised, though, after a hard rear-ending?
>>>>>
>>>>>The police made their report. I spoke with my insurance company last
>>>>>night. While only once before (on another car 20 years ago) of several
>>>>>rear-endings have I pursued a claim, this collision was so hard that I
>>>>>am concerned.
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>If you are unhurt, just go for the cosmetic repair.
>>>>
>>>>Of course if it were me, I'd be screamin' neck, back and other maladies
>>>>and interviewing sleazy lawyers!
>>>>
>>>>JT
>>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> and running the risk of being caught at fraud.
>>
>>
>>
>> You're probably right... Sleazy lawyers get away with murder but poor
>> ol' me gets life in the slammer for trying to squeeze a few bux for my
>> "pain 'n suffering!"
>>
>> Oh well...
>>
>> JT
>>
>
>some humor;
>What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
>-- A tick falls off of you when you die.
>
>- Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their
> clients?
>-- To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same
> service.
>
>- What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
>-- Stick his bill up his ***.
>
>- What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in
> sand?
>-- Not enough sand.
>
>- What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead
> lawyer in the road?
>-- There are skid marks in front of the dog.
>
>- What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
>-- A Doberman.
>
>- Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
>-- If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched,
> they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything
> forever.
>
>- What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
>-- One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
>
>- Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
>-- They had pictures of lawyers on them...and people couldn't figure
> out which side to spit on.
>
>---
>
>Lawyer's creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.
>
>
>Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are
>walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a
>hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
>
>The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.
>
>---
>
>It was so cold last winter...(How cold was it?)...that I saw a lawyer
>with his hands in his own pockets.
>
>---
>
>You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You
>have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
>
>Shoot the lawyer. Twice.



HOW TO HANDLE LAWYERS

A big-city, California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tenn. He shot
and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other
side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly
farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and
now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming
over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in
the US, and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take
everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do
things in Tennessee. We settle small disagreements like this with the
Tenn. Three-Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Tenn. three-Kick Rule?"

The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you
kick me three times, and so on, back an forth, until someone gives
up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided
that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the
local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to
the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot
into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees.

His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The
barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a
kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his
feet and said, "Okay, you old coot now it's my turn."


(I love this..........)





The farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
--

- dillon I am not invalid

"Jimmy, I'm sorry your girlfriend turned out
to be a cylon."
-Special Agent Tim McGee, "NCIS"