To Lighten the Mood
12-23-2005 | 10:37 PM
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Joined: Apr 2005
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From: Holmen, WI
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To Lighten the Mood
I know theres been a lot of arguing lately, so I just thought I would post some jokes for everyone to laugh at. I saw them on another forum, and I found myself laughing, so everyone lighten up and laugh at some jokes:
One Friday morning, a teacher came up with a novel way to motivate her class. She told them that she would read a quote and the first student to correctly identify who said it would receive the rest of the day off.
She started with, "This was England's finest hour." Little Suzy instantly jumped up and said, "Winston Churchill."
"Congratulations," said the teacher, "you may go home."
The teacher then said, "Ask not what your country can do for you." Before she could finish this quote, another young lady belts out, "John F. Kennedy."
"Very good," says the teacher, "you may go."
Irritated that he has missed two golden opportunities, Little Johnnie said, "I wish those girls would just shut up."
Upon overhearing this comment, the outraged teacher demanded to know who said it. Johnnie instantly rose to his feet and said, "Bill Clinton. I'll see you Monday."
Little Johnny's mother decided to give her son an anatomy lesson one day, so she took off all of her clothes and pointed to her , and said, "Johnny. This is where you come from."
Johnny went to school the next day smiling and insisting all his friends now refer to him as "Lucky Johnny."
"Why?" one asked.
Johnny held his fingers an inch apart and said, "Because I came this close to being a turd."
A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a new 21 speed mountain bike. "Where did you get the money for the bike? It must have cost $300."
"Easy, Dad," little Johnny replied. "I earned it hiking."
"Come on Johnny," the father said. "Tell me the truth."
"That is the truth," Johnny replied. "Every night you were gone, Mom's boss, Mr. Reynolds, would come over to see Mom. He'd give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!
A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in Heaven."
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!" <> The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.
And Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!"
Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in The Act. Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?" Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"
A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"
A police officer had a perfect hiding place for catching speeders. But one day, everyone was under the speed limit. The officer found the problem: a 10 year old boy was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand-painted sign which said:
"RADAR TRAP AHEAD"
A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy's accomplice,... Little Johnny, about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading:
"TIPS" and a bucket at his feet........... full of change.
One Friday morning, a teacher came up with a novel way to motivate her class. She told them that she would read a quote and the first student to correctly identify who said it would receive the rest of the day off.
She started with, "This was England's finest hour." Little Suzy instantly jumped up and said, "Winston Churchill."
"Congratulations," said the teacher, "you may go home."
The teacher then said, "Ask not what your country can do for you." Before she could finish this quote, another young lady belts out, "John F. Kennedy."
"Very good," says the teacher, "you may go."
Irritated that he has missed two golden opportunities, Little Johnnie said, "I wish those girls would just shut up."
Upon overhearing this comment, the outraged teacher demanded to know who said it. Johnnie instantly rose to his feet and said, "Bill Clinton. I'll see you Monday."
Little Johnny's mother decided to give her son an anatomy lesson one day, so she took off all of her clothes and pointed to her , and said, "Johnny. This is where you come from."
Johnny went to school the next day smiling and insisting all his friends now refer to him as "Lucky Johnny."
"Why?" one asked.
Johnny held his fingers an inch apart and said, "Because I came this close to being a turd."
A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a new 21 speed mountain bike. "Where did you get the money for the bike? It must have cost $300."
"Easy, Dad," little Johnny replied. "I earned it hiking."
"Come on Johnny," the father said. "Tell me the truth."
"That is the truth," Johnny replied. "Every night you were gone, Mom's boss, Mr. Reynolds, would come over to see Mom. He'd give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!
A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in Heaven."
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!" <> The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.
And Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!"
Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in The Act. Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?" Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"
A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"
A police officer had a perfect hiding place for catching speeders. But one day, everyone was under the speed limit. The officer found the problem: a 10 year old boy was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand-painted sign which said:
"RADAR TRAP AHEAD"
A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy's accomplice,... Little Johnny, about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading:
"TIPS" and a bucket at his feet........... full of change.
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