Rep Power: 802

The wife comes home early and finds her husband in their master bedroom making love to a beautiful, sexy young lady!
"You unfaithful, disrespectful pig! What are you doing? How dare you do this to the mother of your children! I'm leaving this house, I want a divorce!"
The husband, replies "Wait! Before you leave, at least listen to what happened!"
"Hmm, I don't know, well, it'll be the last thing I will hear from you. But make it fast, you unfaithful pig, you!"
The husband begins to tell his story... "While driving home this young lady asked for a ride. I saw her so defenseless that I went ahead and allowed her in my car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She mentioned that she had not eaten for 3 days. With great compassion I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas that I made for you last night that you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll gain weight; the poor thing practically devoured them. Since she was very dirty I asked if she wanted to take a shower. While she was showering, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw her clothes away. Since she needed clothes, I gave her the pair of jeans that you have had for a few years, that you can no longer wear because they are too tight on you, I also gave her the blouse that I gave you on our anniversary and you don't wear because I don't have good taste. I gave her the pullover that my sister gave you for Christmas that you will not wear just to bother my sister and I also gave her the boots that you bought at the expensive boutique that you never wore again after you saw your co-worker wearing the same pair."
The husband continues his story: "The young woman was very grateful to me and I walked her to the door. When we got to the door she turned around and with tears coming out of her eyes, she asks me: Sir, do you have anything else that your wife does not use? And that's what happened."



Someone else post a new one, and lets keep this going.

 
Rep Power: 693

^^^ LOL nice.

heres an oldie but goodie.

A judge has to convict two drug addicts but it is late on a friday and he can’t be bothered. So he says to them ’listen guys i can’t be arsed so if you come back on monday having got some other people off drugs ill let you off.’ The two drug addicts nod and leave.
On monday the judge asks the first guy ’how many people did you get off drugs’ and the guy says ’4 sir’ the judge asks him how and the guy replies ’i drew 2circles, one was massive and the other was small, i pointed at the big one and said this is the size of your brain before you get on drugs and then i pointed to the small circle and said this is the size of your brain after you’ve taken drugs’ the judge is very impressed and says ’very well i will let you leave without punishment.’
He then turns to the second guy and asks him how many people he got off drugs ’2542’ replies the guy. The judge asks him how. ’Oh it was very simple’ he replies ’i used the circle method too only i pointed to the tiny circle and said this is the size of your before you go to prison...’

 
Rep Power: 0

Most romanian jokes have a universal fictional character "Bulã" ( which is funny to begin with since it rhymes with pulã which means ) . So I'll use this name here allthough i guess for canadian purposes we can call him Bob



So Bob is in grade school , and the teacher has just explained a new , more complicated word to the kids : "edible" . After explaining , she wants to make sure all kids got it so she asks them to give her examples . Mary : "Apple" ... gooood ... John : "Pizza" ... gooood ... Bob : "Lamp" .... "What do you mean lamp Bob ? You can't eat a lamp !" Bob : "Well according to my parents you can" ... Teacher : "How do you mean" . Bob : "well you see I come from a poor family an we all live in one batchelor appartment . And each night as we go to sleep my father tells my mother : Hey ... turn the lamp off and take it in your mouth"

 
Rep Power: 0

nobody else ? ? ? ?

Well ...

BOB later on in life , decides that a great easy way to make money is to become a catholic priest . So he goes to a "theology ? ?" ( if that's also the name in english ) college .

When graduation week comes , they all have to do written tests and practical tests . BOB ACES all of them . However the last test involves resisting temptation .

100 potential priests are put in a room , and a bell is tied up to their ding dong . A woman comes in the room , takes her clothes off and starts dooing s . The bells which start ringing fail .

99 bells are silent , but BOBS bell is ringing constantly in a rhytmic manner . The head priest goes to him :
- I can't belive you are failing this , you are my best student , you have to pass . I will give you one more chance tomorow .

Same ideea , redhead comes in , takes clothes off , goes up on the teachers desk and starts dooing s , playing with her , etc . 99 bells are silent , BOB's is rinnging . Head priest goes agian :
- Bob you have to pass this , I will give you one more chance you will be a great priest . But if you fail again we will punish you for your devilish ways .

So third day Bob comes in with another 99 potential priests . Blonde walks in , takes clothese off starts stripping . Bob's bell starts ringing again .

Head priest walks in ... Ok bob , you are a disgrace to the school prepare to be punished . Take your clothes off , so we can all hit you with sticks .

As bob is taking his clothes off , the other 99 bells start ringing .

 
Rep Power: 0

So today is the WC 2006 group draw ... seriosuly

and with this occasion i have the following joke .


The mexicans have great socer player and would like to win a world cup . So a group of them go to "god" and ask him :
"God ... when will Mehico win the world cup"
God answers ... "Well I don't know kids , maybe in about 10 - 20 years" ... So the mexicans start crying
Americans allthough not as good would also like to buy some players from other countries and try to win it . So they to go to God and ask him
"God ... when will the US win the world cup"
God answers ... " Well I don't know kids maybe in about 20 - 30 years" ... So the americans start crying .
The canadians would also like to be better at soccer . So they go to God and ask him :
"God ... when will canada win the world cup?"
And God started crying

 
Rep Power: 802

A dedicated union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels.
When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"
"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."
"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered.
Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop.
His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules."
The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."
"That's more like it!" the union man said.
He handed the Madam $100.00, looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. I'd like her," he said.
"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 72-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 47 years seniority and she's next."

 
Rep Power: 712

Sherlock Holmes and doctor watson go camping in the woods. They put up their tent and go to sleep. In the middle of the night Sherlock suddenly wakes Watson and asks him "WATSON, look at the sky quickly and tell me what you can deduce (conclude)" , Watson looks at the sky and says "well, I see many, many stars, some of those stars might be planets just like earth, which means that there might be other living things out there, which means that we are not alone in the universe" , Sherlock looks at him wierd and says "no you dumbass, someone stole our ing tent".

 
Rep Power: 10

Letter of recommendation

Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often, Bob takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Bob is an individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
classified as a high-caliber employee, the type that cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.

Regards,
Project Leader

KEEP READING...

Shortly thereafter, the HR department received the following memo from the Project Leader:

Sorry, but that idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines for my assessment.

Regards,
Project Leader

 
Rep Power: 802

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.


*** *** ***


A female Mountie pulled over a drunk farmer driving down the back roads.
She said to him, "You're under arrest, anything you say, can and will be held against you."
"", replied the farmer.

 
Rep Power: 802

One night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members were being introduced to other members and shown around. The man leading them around said, "See that old man asleep in the chair by the fireplace? He is our oldest member and can tell you some hunting stories you'll never forget."
They awakened the old man and asked him to tell them a story.
"Well, I remember back in 1944, we went on a lion hunting expedition in Africa. We were on foot and hunted for three days without seeing a thing. On the fourth day, I was so tired I had to rest my feet. I found a fallen tree, so I laid my gun down, propped my head on the tree, and fell asleep. I don't know how long I was asleep when I was awakened by a noise in the bushes. I was reaching for my gun when the biggest damn lion I’d ever seen jumped out of the bushes at me like this: RRROOAARRR!!! I tell you, I just my pants."
The young men looked astonished and one of them said, "I don't blame you, I would have my pants too if a lion jumped out at me."
The old man shook his head and said, "No, no... not back then, just now, when I said RRROOAAARRR!!!"

 
Rep Power: 802

A man is driving his five year old to a friend’s house when another car races in front and cuts them off, nearly causing an accident. "Douchebag!" the father yells.
A moment later he realizes the indiscretion, pulls over, and turns to face his son.
"Your father just said a bad word," he says. "I was angry at that driver, but that was no excuse for what I said. It was wrong. But just because I said it, it doesn’t make it right, and I don’t ever want to hear you saying it. Is that clear?"
His son looks at him and says: "Too late, douchebag."

__________________________________________________ ______
On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they’ll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.
Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, "What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a *******."
All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says "Don’t forget the coffee!"
__________________________________________________ ______
Q: Where was the toothbrush invented?
A: Arkansas. If it had been invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teeth brush.

 
Rep Power: 0

A lady walks into a bar and sees a really cute guy sitting at the counter.
She goes over and asks him what he is drinking.

"Magic Beer" , he says.

She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after
that there is no one else worth talking to,goes back to the man sitting at the
bar and says,

"That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?"

"Yes, I'll show you." He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window,
flies around the building 3 times and comes back in the window.

The lady can't believe it: "I bet you can't do that again."

He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the
building three times, and comes back in the window.

She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says to
the bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having."

She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window,
plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies.

The bartender looks up at the guy and says,
"You know, Superman, you're a real ******* when you're drunk!"

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A father and his 7 year-old son are in a supermarket shopping. The son is carrying a nickle in his hand, and he's squeezing it very tight. The father turns to get some cans of soup, and when he turns around he see his son is choking. The father panics and notices that the son's hands are empty, so he obviously swallowed the nickle.

The father tries to do the heimlinch, and patting him on the back, and everything he can think of, but nothing is working. By now a crowd has gathered, and the son is turning blue. The father is VERY scared by now.

All of the sudden a very well dressed woman steps out of the crowd and walks up to the son. She grabs him by the ********* and squeezes REAAALLLYY hard. She pulls and squeezes until finally the nickle comes flying out of the son's mouth. The father is shocked. He hugs his son, and makes sure he's okay.

He turns to the woman and says "Wow! Are you a doctor? How did you know to do that?"

The woman smiles and replies " No. I'm from the tax department."

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A porsche and an army tank are parked side by side in a parking lot, the tank starts laughing at the porsche, the porsche asks why are you loughing at me? To which the Tank replies, "I just find it funny that you have your heart in your butt" to which the porsche replies, "I'd rather have my heart in my butt than my ***** on my forehead!"

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My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year when we decided to
get
married. My parents helped us in every way, and my friends encouraged me.
My girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me.
That one thing was her younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight
miniskirts, and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near
me, and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be
deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister calls and asked me to come over to check the
wedding
invitations. She was alone when I arrived.

She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings
and desires for me that she could not overcome and did not really want to
overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before
I got married and committed my life to her sister.

I was in total shock and could not say a word. She said, "I'm going
upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up
and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up
the stairs. When she reached the top, she pulled down her panties and
threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front
door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house and walked straight
toward my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he
hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little
test. We could not ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the
family!"


The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

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A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position in Seatle.

The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

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Joe stopped at his favorite watering hole after a hard day's work to relax. He noticed a man next to him ordering a shot and a beer. The man drank the shot, chased it with beer and then looked into his shirt pocket.

This continued several times before Joe's curiosity got the best of him. He leaned over to the guy and said, "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice your little ritual. Why in the world do you look into your shirt pocket every time you drink your shot and beer?"

The man replied, "There's a picture of my wife in there, and when she starts lookin' good, I'm headin' home!"

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A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said
'We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the
moon!" The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian. To
which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!

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A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the
wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights
and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and
yelled, "PULL OVER!" "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

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A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female
neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened
it then slammed it shut &stormed back in the house. A little later she came
out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it
shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting
ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box,
opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her
actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which she replied,
There certainly is!"


My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."

 
Rep Power: 0

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was
one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT?"

I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she
was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

 
Rep Power: 802

LMFAO!!!!

 
Rep Power: 762

oh snap that last one is good